Hearts pumping, palms sweating, heavy breathing. What sounds like a romantic novel is actually just an ordinary day at the Fitness Center.

I will see your vagina and raise you a woman

Today, I felt it.

Not my vagina physically. No. Not today. Emotionally, rather. Today I felt like a girl, and for once I feel no guilt or humiliation for it.

As the younger of two sisters and I am considerably the butch one. If an episode of MTV's Room Raiders were to go into our shared bedroom, they'd see her full size, decorated bed and then turn to look at my twin sleeping coven covered in a Spider-man bed set. Needless to say, I always had a feeling that I was born the wrong gender. Mentally, not physically. Let's keep clarifying that to avoid any speculation.

Today, however, as I left my room and finally finished getting dressed, I actually felt like a "real" girl.

It sounds silly, I suppose. But I usually find myself avoiding feeling this way--or at least feeling good about it.

I should first let it out that I'm a very jealous person. That said, my boy cousins always received special treatment from my dad, who I am assume had always wanted a son (I mean, what father DOESN'T want a boy to share information with?). Because of that empty space, I wanted to be at least similar to a son. Less of a daughter, anyway. Though having obvious girlish tendencies, such as wearing makeup, complaining about zits and falling in love with celebrities that my dad was sure weren't into girls, I wanted to do what I could.

So, I dodged shared interests with my sister. Pink was never for me. It still isn't. I don't necessarily try to be that dainty. A little dirt doesn't hurt. I'm far from a tomboy, but I'm even more distant from being a human doily.

Still, today I not-so-secretly felt a little girlier.

heal air we us

shameful argument

Why does it matter so much whether we are accepted or not by people, even when the individual judging us doesn’t have any particular authority?

It doesn't matter if Person A likes Person B or not. Person A's feelings toward Person B does not affect the way they work together. The world continues to turn, people continue to live and deeds continue to be done. It doesn't hurt anything. With the exception of Person B. Shamefully.

“I don’t see why anyone would like me, but when someone doesn’t… I wonder why.”

I hate fighting this feeling of wanting to be liked. I cannot even fathom the reason why it “hurts” when one claims—even jokingly—to hate me. On one hand, I can say I couldn’t care less. Given the particular day, I probably really couldn’t. Yet, right now, I just can’t shake this sad feeling that weighs heavily on my shoulders upon hearing that this person does not like me.

I once said that a friend who makes you walk on eggshells isn’t the best company to keep. I believe that, firmly. I don’t know what to do, however, when the relationship was never like that in the beginning. And I don’t know how to fix it, or how these eggshells came about. Or who put them there. Or how to sweep them away. The second I feel as though I’m making progress, I notice more were thrown on the ground behind me.

It’s frustrating.

But perhaps I’m only being silly and self-centered. It was only a joke, and it isn’t as though everyone is expected to like me or at least enjoy a few minutes of my company. I just hate always, at one point in every relationship (friendship, romance, etc.), I begin to worry if I care too much, or if I’m assuming that it is something that it is not.

I really wish things could be as they were, but I’ve already made the decision to not give up on it. You’re just very, very difficult to read and perhaps I’m trying too hard for something that just can’t happen again.

It doesn’t stop me from missing any of it, whatever it was, whatever it is.

You’re so difficult to read. And I’m feeling the repercussions of something I can only assume is the premature emergence of disdain.

a premature love

Maybe it's because he's crippled (albeit faking it).
Maybe it's because he's a fantastic singer.
Maybe it's because he used to be in NLT, a boyband commonly featured in Popstar! magazine.
Or maybe it's the fact that he plays a ridiculously nerdy, nasally reject who's interested in an Asian girl (heyboyheey).

In any case, Kevin McHale has stolen a tiny and possibly growing piece of my heart. With black thick-rimmed glasses and every dentist's set of dream teeth, McHale emits a charm that can only be accurately described as "the boy you would never expect to like, but after a 15-minute conversation becomes inescapably charming." To say the least.

Or maybe I'm just easy.

an urge eye sir

To be honest, I'm slightly afraid of them.

But, alas, how I can recollect the memory of my very first energy drink. Now that I think about it, I can't believe that a high school permitted the sale of energy drinks to students between the ages of 14 through 18. That aside, my very first drink was a Rockstar. All the kids were drinking them and, though I initially disagreed, the bandwagon syndrome got to me and my curiosity prompted me to take out my wallet and pay. There I was, cold can at hand, wondering what the experience would be like. I had eaten beforehand, after hearing rumors that Rockstars caused uncontrollable gas if taken on an empty stomach.

And so I drank it, expecting to be wide awake and active for the rest of the day. Either that, or I thought I'd be super gassy. I took the risk.

All I ended up becoming, however, was tired. And short of $3.50.

My lips have never touched an energy drink since then. Personally, I don't believe in them--definitely not in Rockstars, anyway. While looking at these tiny bottles of 5-hour energy drinks, however, the fear began to return. The amount of energy promised to be generated into a tiny little bottle is unfathomable.

How much power and potency could be promised in that small container? What elixir! What poison! What energy drink!

Yet, if all I end up becoming is tired, then I'd much rather turn to the simpler energizers: candy and juice. When given the option, I choose risking diabetes over a sudden crash within the same day as an energy drink intake. Go figure.